I stepped into your room last night after you were asleep. I watched you breathe. I kissed your forehead gently. You slept so soundly that it did not disturb you.
In that moment, I was so overwhelmed by love for you that a few of my tears thumped your pillow. You are so small yet you have grown so much. I’ve done some things right and I’ve made mistakes. I’ve learned from you. I admire you.
I wished you could hear the depth of my thoughts. The thoughts that don’t have words. It’s the realization that you mean so much to me. The realization that you are changing from a baby into a young boy. The realization that, in some ways, I’m still a child like you and have no idea how I will raise you.
You are so precious. While I stared at you I wished that my feelings could be silently transferred to your motionless frame. I wished you could be aware of all my love for you and feel it.
I watched you while you slept last night. You were beautiful. You were everything good and wonderful.
I look a lot different than the newly married and 105 lbs. me. That was before making two babies. Sometimes I don’t like my jiggly tummy and extra weight I’m holding onto. My first baby made my belly button off centered and second baby didn’t help. I have to carefully pick clothes to avoid making the tummy skin hang out. I feel self conscious about it sometimes. I know it will get better because I’m active and I eat right. I read helpful articles like this one and work on my transverse muscle tone.
Lose your Mummy Tummy and Why Crunches are Bad for You
But in the mean time, I need to accept that this is my new body and it’s great. This body is amazing because it gets me where I need to go, it produced two babies, and it functions well enough that I can tend to those babies!
Jaxon has a belly. It’s just a baby belly instead of a stretched out mommy belly. He never tries to hold it in. I watched him the other day as he stood in front of the tv letting that belly hang out. It’s adorable. He doesn’t care. He just lives and eats and plays.
I should learn to be more like my baby boy. I want to be more carefree about my shape. Maybe this baby weight is kind of cute. Maybe my stretch marks are like mommy tattoos that can remind me of this season years later.
What do I like to do for fun now days? There has to be something. Why is my mind blank? Why can’t I think of a single thing I really love to do?
Reading…nah, not right now. Playing piano…too much effort, besides I’m not as good as I used to be and that is terribly discouraging. Usually I just veg out on the couch and research, Facebook, read articles about random stuff. But that’s not so fun either. What can I do when the kids go to bed for down time/me time!??? It’s so rare that I have no idea what to do.
I love gardening, swimming, being out in the sun. I got a ripstick for Christmas. That’s fun, but I’ve busted my bottom several times and it’s a lot of work too. I’m tired and it’s dark outside anyways.
I really like learning and taking classes of any kind. I don’t have enough time for that.
Who am I and what do I like to do anyways? What do moms do?
Maybe they blog. I’ll try that. Nope, that’s not a good article, erase, start over. Nope, maybe I’m not a good writer. Gees, I’ll never get started like this. I need to just write something, post it and keep writing. This will be my fun activity for now and I’ll get better at writing one page at a time. Have to start somewhere.
What do you do for fun?